Death is painless when viewed from the outside, but a tormenting experience when personal. For Suresh’s death, I was the outsider. I looked upon it with detached eyes, wasn’t prepared to feel for it. I saw everything from afar. From the shocking call from a friend to the endless class discussions to the funeral itself (which I did not attend), I had failed to be a presence where I was required. Sure I felt guilty, but I brushed it aside with convenient reasoning. I had failed as a human being.

I was a religious bigot. I paraded a big invisible cross behind my back, ready to thump it upon people whom I felt were potential and susceptible. I was a salesman knocking on the doors of people’s hearts, trumpeting my wares without tact or restraint. And I wasn’t even a good salesman. It isn’t surprising that I find doors shutting me out all the time. Instead of enlightenment, all I caused was misunderstanding. In hoping to sow seeds of love, all I reaped was hatred.

In trying to be sincere, I ended up being sincerely wrong. As a result I became somewhat of a fake in the eyes of the masses, when all I wanted to do was spread goodness. I became somewhat of a double-agent, all smiles and nice words on the outside, but motivated inside by malicious intent.

This is not the first time I’ve written about Suresh. But it will certainly be my last. I am seeking closure. I’ve tried to express regret in my previous attempts, but I felt that this time I want to do it well, and do it right.

I apologize for all the hurts I’ve caused and the misunderstandings resulted.

To those who I have been downright insensitive to, I’m sorry.

To God, I’m sorry for not being a good representation of Your goodness and mercy, and I promise that this will never happen again.

To all the friendships lost and dissolved, I do not expect all to forgive me. I’m looking forward; I’ve got dreams to chase, a full life to live!

All I hope for is understanding.

Looking back, I realized that I was a sprocket in the gigantic machinery of a glossy religious conglomerate. Make no mistake about it, I have not left City Harvest Church. It is still, to me, the place to be. But now I understand.

Jesus Christ knew how Christianity ought to be. The Bible says that “now you are the body of Christ, and members individually.” We are a body, made of flesh and blood. As a church, we need to be a collective of compassionate, full-blooded human beings, understanding the plight of others and actively seeking to address their needs.

The sad thing is, that even as I write, there will still be thousands of others who have not learnt the same lesson as I have, that will still continue to force their faith down people’s throats. However, I believe that every ray of light counts, no matter how dim it is. Insignificant as it may appear to be, I will make that stand.