I felt like a fool. Felt that I shouldn’t have believed in him or sympathized with him. Felt that I should look out for my own interests more, and that I shouldn’t be so agreeable. You’ve been taken advantaged of, my friends said to me, all of them in fact.

I slept through the night feeling rather upset. News spread fast about what happened, and soon everyone knew. I felt like a deflated balloon which has no more air. Felt like a losing basketball team trying to salvage some pride.

And then he called me, and pleaded with me. Begged me. What was I to do?

Sympathize?

 

He approached me on Friday, which was book-out day.

He told me he had problems, but then so does everybody. This time it’s different, he said. Things are a circus at home, and he needed time to go sort it out. He was supposed to do ammo VC that week, which pragmatically speaking meant spending the whole weekend in camp doing nothing. But, having trouble at home, he needed to swap duties with somebody else, and having approached everybody, finally approached me. Me, the perennial nice guy. The guy that’s most agreeable.

And I didn’t want to be known as THE nice guy in camp. And so I said something which I recently learnt whenever I’m forced to make quick decisions: Let me think about it. An hour or so passed. I was busy doing preparations for outfield training.

"Well?"

"I’m still thinking about it."

I tried to look busy, zooming about from place to place. Actually I was busy, but I just want to make it obvious. Several times I walked past him, looking at him but not saying anything, attention focused elsewhere. I did think about whether to help him, but my mind was kind of preoccupied. I was faced with a dilemma. On paper, decision-making may seem to be a black-and-white thing, but when faced with the laborious task itself, complications set in and soon what is obvious becomes shades of grey; it is no longer clear what is right and wrong anymore.

Another hour passed. The weather was hot. It didn’t help that I was doing stuff under the hot sun. I was microwaved and baked to a crisp golden brown. My sweat glands were busy, I was panting like a dog (well I imagined myself to be). I was thirsty, and the vending machine was a welcome sight. Unable to take the heat that was piercing through my skin, I labored up the short flight of stairs, and bought myself a can of orange soda. I saw him again. Feeling embarrassed, I told him that I will give him an answer very soon.

It didn’t take long for me to concede. Soon I felt justified to help him out. After all, we are just swapping duties. Even though I was missing a very important church event, I felt that he deserved my trust and goodwill. After all, no one else could, or was willing to help him. Well, at least I made it hard for him and made sure he was genuine, I comforted myself.

I had that feeling for only a few hours. Soon everyone got wind of my “good deed”. And they really grilled me. Made me feel like a sausage on a barbeque pit. Why? They said. He doesn’t deserve to be helped. He’s too lazy and should wake up his idea. You’re too naïve to think that he really needs so much time to sort out his issues. Of course they had good intentions. Who would want to see a friend being taken advantaged of? But I really felt stupid. Felt like I was walking with a huge "stupid" sign hung on me, with neon lights and all.

So, feeling like a fool, I did guard duty on his behalf from Saturday morning onwards. I asked him to come back on Saturday night, hoping that at least I can go home and sleep.

Anyway, as I was saying, he called me.

"Hey, could you cover duty for me until tomorrow morning?"

I expressed my greatest displeasure, offering my list of reasons. I sighed, and with a deep breath, shared with him how I really felt.

"I felt like a fool for helping you, you know that?"

Silence.

"Look, people have been saying things about you. That you’re not worth helping, that you’ve been lazy, that you’re just finding an excuse to slack.”

“I know… Encik told me that people have been saying things behind my back.”

"You’ve gotta listen… when people doubt you like that, there’s always a reason why. Look, people are saying things about you is because they see that you’ve not been helping out at the armskote enough. Small things like this can manifest and grow out of proportion."

"Yes… I understand."

“People are doubting you’re credibility. I, myself, am struggling to decide if helping you was the right thing to do…"

"Do you doubt my credibility then?" he retorted.

"Well… yes… no not really… well for a moment I did…"

I didn’t know what to say.

"Look, I’ve been your bunkmate for a few months now. Would I do this kind of thing to you? After all, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are…”

 “I really have a problem at home… things are a mess and yesterday my father just spoke to me. I’ve been crying last night and have yet to speak to my girlfriend. Things aren’t going to be alright just because you say they are."

I gave a loud sigh, and hesitated for a moment before saying this:

“Alright… I guess I’ll cover duty for you.”

“Thank you.”

"Shaun, you’ve gotta get your act together."

"Yes, I will, don’t worry about it."

That was about the end of the conversation. After this I must admit that I felt better, and resolutely decided that helping him was the right thing to do. I’ve decided stand by my decision and defend it if necessary. Time will tell, whether helping him was worth it, I told myself.

If only people would be more compassionate.

How I wish that decision would have been made easier, where I don’t have to doubt one’s intentions and motives, where I don’t have to put my guard up all the time. In a world where children are told to shun strangers, it comes as no surprise that when somebody you don’t know well asks for help, one would be inclined to doubt him. Trust has become a rare commodity in a world where trust is often abused. To me, if a person needs help, he needs help. It doesn’t matter whether he’s friend or foe.

I’ve always been abhorred by the things that people can say behind one another’s backs. This incident is an example of how gossip can really build mistrust, which I absolutely hate. I dislike thinking about what others will say about me whenever I’m not around. It makes me wary of the things I do and the words I say. To me, talking behind other’s backs is cowardly and unproductive. It doesn’t solve any problems, but only accentuates them. Often, what is said is built on speculation, making it extremely unfair to whoever is being talked about.

I wish people could just stop talking bad things about one another and start focusing on the good side of people. We should be courageous enough to confront and rebuke (gently) one another if need be. That’s why I like people who are straightforward and frank. People who will tell you your faults without broadcasting it to the world. Such people are worth making friends with.